Do you have a ball and chain for a wife? One so selfish and demanding she won’t ever let you do what you want to do? And how about her mother? Is your mother-in-law such a beast and ogre, you’d love to have a chance to show her what you think of her?
Well, lucky for us, we have Newt “Ethics” Gingrich to thank for how to remedy that situation. The man who led the Republican crusade of decency, and impeachment against that no good, lying, cheater Bill Clinton set the standard of respectability we can all emulate.
Mr. Family Values was chafing under the cruel leash of his second wife. (His first wife was reportedly served divorce papers while undergoing cancer treatment.) The cruel and demanding woman didn’t want to give Newt an “open marriage” to console the poor public servant in his time of selfless dedication to his country.
God’s Own Party had taken upon itself the tremendous responsibility to guide the morals of our wayward nation. Do you think its easy preaching good conservative values to the American people? Newt needed a little comfort, and release from all that tension one feels under all that pressure to preserve the sanctity of marriage and all the other family values that only Republicans possess.
It was time to take a stand. She was about to get what she deserved. And her mother needed a good old-fashioned jolt of Republican values too. Let the rich man have his way, or else.
What better time to implement his demand for marital justice than when his wife and mother-in-law were together?
According to the Washington Post:
Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich in 1999 asked his second wife for an “open marriage” or a divorce at the same time he was giving speeches around the country on family and religious values, his former wife, Marianne, told The Washington Post on Thursday.
Marianne Gingrich said she first heard from the former speaker about the divorce request as she was waiting in the home of her mother on May 11, 1999, her mother’s 84th birthday. Over the phone, as she was having dinner with her mother, Newt Gingrich said, “I want a divorce.”
Happy birthday, Mom, and that's what I think of you and your daughter.
Bam! That’ll teach those selfish wenches a thing or two.
The next day, Newt was feeling so good about himself he went to give a lecture titled “The Demise of American Culture” and pontificated on....what else?....family values.