I'm sure you've all seen these forwards clutter your inbox.
The radical right sure does love passing their rancid little clods of mental excrement around, don’t they? I was recently entertained by such a piece. Isn’t it rather quaint when they try to be imaginative? Let’s take a short trip through a narrow mind and see how the loyalists of the Reich think. Hold your noses if you must. We'll fumigate and sanitize later in my response.
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners.
And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied; People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me.
Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you? Now some of you morons are considering another and more evil Clinton for president !!!! Go figure that one!! She wants to take your kids away and let the 'Whole Village' raise them! i.e. governmental indoctrination . Look this one up you dumb asses!
The rest of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan, a nucular ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to reelect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nucular weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel.
Did you sleep through high school?You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again.
Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars ofAmerica fall.Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi, Clinton, or Obama is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she or he does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.So that's it. God bless what's left of America.Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
Gosh, my feelings should be hurt. Am I a stupid moron or an idiot? Maybe. But, I AM amused.
Am I the only one who thinks the funny parts of this are not the "satire" he thinks it is?
There are plenty of authoritarian personality Neanderthals like this one. That’s why America is being bought and sold like cheap Chinese plastic ware, with the remaining desolation wasting away into the dark horror of a police state.
Some goose-stepping, illiterate fascist is worried about Iran using “nucular” weapons against us, and he’s calling US the morons. So was it Rush or Fox Propaganda that told him about the Iranian “terrorist who says he's going to destroy us”?
As long as blaming “faulty intelligence” is a good enough reason to go to war, he must be ready to invade Iran by now, and maybe Canada as well.
I suppose nobody told him that his hero has already bombed innocent, and maybe non-innocent, people in our “nucular ally” Pakistan.
He thinks homeowners with plummeting property values and soaring heating costs are enjoying a great economy.
He lectures the “whiners” about higher demand around the world causing the skyrocketing gas prices. Demand, unlike the cost per barrel, has NOT gone up 500% since 2000. Big Oil is sucking up record profits while controlling the supply in the US to keep prices where they want them, all while we the people give them even more tax breaks.
And speaking of “we the people”, how does some Bush-worshipping fool believe he comes off as more patriotic than real Americans who value the Bill of Rights?
I suppose it’s by the same vapid ignorance he displays when he tells “noisy idiots” that offshore and ANWAR drilling will solve our problems.
I don’t suppose he would listen to lifetime Republican T. Boone Pickens saying “I’ve been an oil man my whole life, but this is one emergency we can’t drill our way out of.”
He’s right about, “you actively support those who help the enemy,” but not in the way he thinks. The enemies of the Fourth Amendment are both Democrats and Republicans, who gave Bush and his corporate cronies the “legal” FISA cover-up for their crimes.
He and his fellow pathetic neocon koolaid drinkers are the real enemies of the Constitution, along with everything else our country was founded on.
No wonder he thinks being a good American means hating MOST other Americans.
Sieg heil, my small minded maniac. You’ve had your temporary victory over reason and freedom. But, watch out! They may try to sneak back up on you.