Monday, March 16, 2009

Divorce Agreement

A liberal minded friend sent me another one of those right-wing forwards. It was a cute little “divorce agreement” that would indicate the radical conservatives of the minority are not fond of living within anything resembling a democracy anymore.

After reading the message allegedly written by a law student, one excited reader gushed, “THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM. PASS IT ON!”

My friend needed some help. “My poor misled relatives are in need of a cure. You got one?”

I’m no law student, but I do know each side is entitled to counsel and representation in a divorce. I’m afraid the only cure for radical right-wing indoctrination is a curious and open mind. Unfortunately we cannot force healthy emotional and intellectual growth upon the unwilling party.

I usually prefer not to impose into family issues, but I was asked. Here is the “divorce agreement” along with some fair and equitable terms I have added.

***
Divorce agreement:

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's,
(You mean since Reich Winger Joe McCarthy screamed that everybody he didn’t like was a communist? Hey, that sounds familiar. And we'll ignore Nixon's Enemies List) but the whole of this latest election process (You mean when the guy with the most votes won.)has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right (Obama won. Most Americans voted for him and want him to succeed. Republicans are not just against Democrats; they are against democracy.) so let's just end it on friendly terms. (So we can still be friends.) We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass. (We tried that in the Civil War, but if you insist, we’ll take the Northern states and West Coast.) That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. (Great. So we don’t have to redistribute our tax money while two thirds of all the corporations pay none.)You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. (OK. We’ll take justice and civil liberties for the common folk.)Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. (And we’ll arm those who swear to protect and defend the Constitution.) You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them). (Now if you can’t be nice, you shouldn’t sit at the adults’ table.)

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. (What you mean is corporatism, where these companies help write the Republicans’ laws to help themselves to more of the people’s money. And I bet this won’t be the only time you side with greed.) You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. (You mean those people made homeless by Republican corporations that moved their jobs overseas? And you mean the aliens illegally hired by some of those same Republican corporations?)

We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. (Greedy Wall Street CEO’s are your kind of people. Smart rednecks know those CEO’s are Republicans.) We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. (As long as you take Jerry Falwell, Jim Baker, Pat Robertson, Ted Haggard, and Fox “News” with you.)

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. (You were threatened by Iraq?) You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. (And everyone else with a conscience?)When our allies or our way of life are under assault, (Our way of life includes the Fourth Amendment, which was assaulted way more by Bush than the terrorists.) we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. (And we’ll keep the Bill of Rights, democracy, tolerance, and equality.) You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U. N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. (Speaking of paying the bill, there will be no more red state socialism to bail your asses out. Let me explain so you understand. Most Republican states, those states that voted for Bush, receive more federal money than they pay in taxes.)

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find. (Ya’ll better leave those Northern state union-made vehicles with us, and keep your Southern state non-union Asian type cars.)

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. (You’ll have all the jobless families bankrupted by health care costs.) We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. (So you believe in profit over people. Which is why we say health care is integral to the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.)

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World. (We’ll also keep all the music ever recorded by drug users and drunks. That includes Hank Williams, Elvis, and Johnny Cash. And you can dance to military march music at your party rallies.)

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. (Where have you been the last three decades? The rich got trickled up tax cuts, while the middle class has been trickling down the drain.) Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. (You seem to have trouble remembering the last 8 years. History comes in books, documentaries and even movies. Remember, you don’t like that stuff. And Palin couldn’t remember any Supreme Court Case she disagreed with other than Roe v Wade. There’s Limbaugh’s anointed leader for you.)

Would you agree to this? (As revised.) If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. (Oh, right, just like Wall Street needs us to bail them out.)

Sincerely,

John J. Wall, Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you. (You must be a very OLD law student to remember Babs and Jane.)

***
I hate to see an ugly divorce. I would still be happy to suggest an offer of reconciliation.

We would prefer this dispute be resolved through liberal education in lieu of conservative indoctrination. Should any member of the conservative party ever conclude that cooperation, honest communication, and compromise have a rightful place in our national discourse, they are more than welcome to rejoin and participate in the process of liberal democracy.

United we stand.

28 comments:

Marvin D. Wilson said...

Hysterical!

Well, not really ... but you know what I mean - well done, dude.

an average patriot said...

WTF? What the hell kind of warped mind could be stupid enough to say that drivel? McCarthy, Reagan, Bush, they want another to get their fascist agenda back on track.
I understand McCain is positioning to take over from Steele and if alive long enough is going to run in 2012!

I did a post today for a civilian Media I may have put on my site but don't remember about the importance of them getting it together never to lead again but to support us.

Can you imagine the war that would erupt if they ever tried the crap that fool suggested? States and assets yeah no argument. That guy is an idiot. That is a joke right?

Kulkuri said...

If this was written by a law student, then it is a sad commentary on the state of education today.
I have a few points, why are they still fighting the Dirty Fucking Hippies when most of them became Yuppies?? Mercedes and BMW are built in the south, but they can have them too. Why would they want to keep Wal-Mart when most of them don't shop there for the cheap Chinese shit. Why would they want the Bibles when they don't follow it's teachings????
And as for the Trickle Down Theory, the name alone tells you that they are pissing on us.

Dave Dubya said...

Marv,
It really is hysteria we see in those delusional souls, by definition.

Jim,
Your words about cover it. Warped, stupid, fascist, crap, idiot and joke.

Kulkuri,
They will always hate hippies for having more fun than they did, with the puritinism and repression of their youth. They still can't deal with that. And it still screws them up. It's a kind of envy that makes them bullies.

houston divorce lawyer said...

Too funny! You could have a future in family law. :)

D.K. Raed said...

This was a hoot! I want to see it on DIVORCE COURT TV.

They want to divide up the assets? The country is worse than flat broke, it is deeply in debt. They want to share in any of that mess? I didn't think so!

Kulkuri said...

Most Hippies were rich kids playing at being poor!! I didn't need to play at it, having been poor all along, which is why I never was one (also Uncle Sugar had other plans for me), but some of their ideas were good. Which is why the Never-Right can't stand them, like their idea about helping your fellow man. Too bad most of the Hippies became Fucking Yuppies and forgot about their ideals!!

Suzan said...

What a great laugh!

And I never feel like laughing anymore.

Thanks, Dave.

Love ya!!!

Suze

Dave Dubya said...

Houston, DK, Suzan,
Thanks. I had a couple beers along with an attitude to express.

As our dear Molly Ivans said, "The best way to get the sons of bitches is to make people laugh at them."

Kulkuri,
I can’t say I know of very many Hippies who were rich. I do know that many non-hippies would adopt the fashion to “score chicks and drugs”. But they usually quickly moved on.

Here's my take after I mingled with tens of thousands of them at dozens of Grateful Dead shows and similar community gatherings.

I think Hippie is in the head and heart. I know quite a few bald or gray short haired folks who, by appearance, blend into society. They are very much the same kind and curious people they were decades ago. Although they span the belief spectrum from Atheist to Buddhist, to Catholic, Wiccan, Yoga and Baptist, they all share a certain faith in the positive goodness in most of humanity.

Of course they have jobs, but not typically of a cut-throat business nature. They typically work in the arts, education, service, local business, entertainment, and health fields.

It is true some seemed to turn Yuppie, but there is a vast tribe of peaceful, caring, psychedelic-enhanced gentle souls out there. And they still seem to smile more than most others.

Suzan said...

Love ya, love ya, love ya, Dave,

Your response says it all.

Suze
Atheist yogi

Here's my take after I mingled with tens of thousands of them at dozens of Grateful Dead shows and similar community gatherings.

I think Hippie is in the head and heart. I know quite a few bald or gray short haired folks who, by appearance, blend into society. They are very much the same kind and curious people they were decades ago. Although they span the belief spectrum from Atheist to Buddhist, to Catholic, Wiccan, Yoga and Baptist, they all share a certain faith in the positive goodness in most of humanity.

Of course they have jobs, but not typically of a cut-throat business nature. They typically work in the arts, education, service, local business, entertainment, and health fields.

It is true some seemed to turn Yuppie, but there is a vast tribe of peaceful, caring, psychedelic-enhanced gentle souls out there. And they still seem to smile more than most others.

Brother Tim said...

"They typically work in the arts, education, service, local business, entertainment, and health fields."

And some have turned to the Ministry. Though their work sometimes seems futile, they persevere nonetheless.

I used to love getting those Reich-wing e-mails. Most of the senders don't know what BCC means in the address box. I used to go into doctoral-length diatribes, refutung them word by word as you did. When I was sufficiently vented, I would hit 'reply all'. If it was a multiple forward, I would 'cut and paste' all addresses from the previous sends. I guess I was getting too much enjoyment from it, as the e-mails have all but dried up. :)

DaisyDeadhead said...

Shirley McClain

MacLaine

Are we supposed to take people seriously who don't even check their spelling?

We'll keep intelligence!

(Great post, Dave!)

Annie said...

I liked your words a whole lot more than 'his.' Very well put.

I find it hilarious that they believe there to be an issue at hand, after the November landslide! Oh yeah, it's that whole poor loser/jealousy thing.

two crows said...

a couple of things here--
first, Kulkuri -- not all hippies deserted. I didn't.
I made my pilgrimage to the Haight, lived in a cave and several communes, moved back to Missouri, went back to school and became a psychotherapist -- working with the poorest of the poor.

imnsho, the ones who became yuppies became hippies in the first place just to screw with their parents' heads. they never really meant it.
jfwiw--
xxx
and, second:
years ago, I wrote something kind of similar to this post.
a lot of people thought it was tongue-in-cheek -- but it wasn't really. I think it may be the only way to avoid civil war eventually [over and above the one we're already engaged in.]

anyhow, after reading this, I'm gonna dust it off and repost it at
http://preserve-protect.blogspot.com.

come take a look?

Mauigirl said...

Well done. I wish they really would secede...

Brother Tim said...

I didn't read anything in that agreement that said Dave Dubya was to quit posting. :)

Mrs. Dubya said...

Glad you're back, Tim- now I'm not the only one nudging the old man to write more! :-)

Brother Tim said...

Mrs Dubya--
Try cutting off his food source. Miss Hallie used that technique on me........ worked quite well. :)

Border Explorer said...

I know people who delight in sending that kind of crap around the internet. So I LOVED how you made mincemeat out of it. Well done, Sir!

Dave Dubya said...

Suzan,
Thanks. Those crazy hippies are a slipery lot to describe. They don't all fit into any one descripition. And besides, didn't they stage a "death of hippie" ceremony way back in the 60's?

Daisy,
I never correct the Righties' spelling. Why mess with part of the entertainment?

Annie,
Bless their swelled heads. Isn't it amusing how they believe their minority is the "mainsteam"?

Two Crows,
I like your scenario, too. I love these little excursions of imagination.

Mauigirl,
They already have seceded, from rationality.

BE,
And I just LOVE bouncing those forwards back at 'em.

Brother Tim,
Mrs. Dubya still feeds me, but I seem to have trouble finding my beer lately. Hmm.

Lisa Allender said...

Hi Dave Dubya--what a fabulous post! You rock. I'm going to provide a link to this entry, from my blog, soon!
Thanks and Peace, bro.

betmo said...

should i put you on my links sending list for inspiration? these days i have more inspiration than room to post :) you are a gem.

Dave Dubya said...

Lisa,
Thank you so much for the honor.

Betmo,
I'd appreciate your links. You keep a good eye out for stuff I'd miss.

YogaforCynics said...

Beautiful...it's really amazing how quickly (like, one election when, as you point out, they lost) we went from labeling criticism of the president treason to the "patriots" calling for secession. As somebody said (sorry, can't do better than that): the original Boston Tea Party was about taxation without representation, whereas the "tea parties" are about bitching because your side lost."

SSG Nader, Lee said...

I'd have to say that the number of Liberals -here-, with me in IRAQ, about equal the conservatives.
=
And Jesus will answer them, "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!"
=
First Amendment, anyone? 'We" will provide them security, huh? You know where the Military recruting stations are. Ya know, those parts of town too seedy for you to set foot in.
=
Again, 1st Amendment anyone? Or is it only freedom of religion if that religion happens to be the one -you- believe in?
=
Happily. Enjoy paying $100 a tank. It takes $45 to fill mine.

Provide for the general welfare.... The Constutuion is a fascinatiog document. More folks should read it.
Get rid of the National Anthem? Are you serious? What law school did this man "purportedly" go to?
=
Trickle down economics. Is that what they're calling Non-Performance-Based financial CEO bonuses now? I guess it's OK for James Cayne to get a fat bonus (while destroying our economy), since he's providing jobs to his cook, maid, driver...
=
Like your confy little attorney behind is EVER going to come visit me here Iraq, or worse yet, in Afganistan.
I agree. Please go.
=
Only if you promise to take Glen Beck, Carl Rove, and Rush Limbaugh's drug addicted butt.
=
Sincerely,
SSG Nader, Lee, U.S. Signal Corps, Camp Taji.
Noncomissioned Officer of the United States Army, currently deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
NOT a lawyer. :)
Supporter of the Honorable President Barack Hussein Obama

Dave Dubya said...

Welcome, Sergeant Nader.
Glad to see you stop by. I'm sure you see more than your share of authoritarian personalities. They do have such trouble with independent thought. Too bad they don't understand freedom and independence begin with free independent thinking.

I wonder how many military people actually read that Constitution...A small minority, like the rest of the population, I'm sure.

I appreciate your dealing with the mess created by lying, self-righteous, greedy jerks and chickenhawks. I've been "supporting the troops" by opposing war since my brother visited Vietnam with the 101st back in 1966.

Take care and good luck.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Law is right on target! Let's take the USA back to a time of true glory and greatness! Now, if you all will excuse me, Leave It To Beaver comes on in five minutes. I have to switch from my having dinner necktie to my TV watching one.

Dave Dubya said...

Anonymous,
Come to think of it, this divorce minded guy wants us back in the days of less divorce and more miserable marriages.